Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize