Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
