Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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