Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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