I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
