but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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