We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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