Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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