the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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