On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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