i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
