Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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