Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im six kinds of drunk right now
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
