either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
