I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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