put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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