i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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