Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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