did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize