I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
