Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
