Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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