even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
