Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
