I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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