4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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