The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize