pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am midnight drunk by noon
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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