I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Randomize
