I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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