i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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