i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize