i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize