Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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