either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
