Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have demons in me.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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