Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
