My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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