East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
