she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
