I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
