Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
