It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
