If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
