Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
