break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
