Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
