so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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