I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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