i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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