I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
