My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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