So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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