I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
