Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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