he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize