sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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