One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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