I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
