I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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