one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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