Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
