also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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