just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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