If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
