Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
