If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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