my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize