Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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