i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
