You just made me feel so damn special
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
