god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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